Tarred And Feathered

Spoilers/Timeline: AU. Takes place in the universe established in The Prophecy, so post Heroes (s07e17-18).
A/N1: Written for 100 prompts, prompt: evidence, fluff_bingo, prompt: vacation.
A/N2: Special thanks to my wonderful beta jazwriter.


Seeing Sam hobble into the infirmary on her crutches, Janet saved the file she was working on and exited her office. “Hey, Sam. How are you doing today?”

“Not bad. I was wondering if I could finally trade in these crutches today.”

“Well, let’s take the cast off and get an x-ray of your ankle. Then we can see.” Janet turned to Major Washington, her head nurse. “Please get a wheelchair for Sam, please.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Janet proceeded to cut the cast off of Sam’s lower leg, before sending her to get it x-rayed. Nurse Washington brought the x-rays to Janet’s office when they were ready.

“Here are Colonel Carter’s x-rays, ma’am. And the colonel is waiting in bay two.”

“All right. Thank you, Abby.” Janet put the x-rays up on the lightboard and studied them before leaving her office to find Sam in bay two. “Okay, Sam, it looks like we’ll be able to forego recasting your ankle, and you can turn in your crutches.”


“But you will have to wear a boot for a couple of weeks.”

“Do I have to?”

“It’s either the boot or I put another cast on.”

“Okay. I’ll take the boot.”

Janet grinned. “I figured you’d say that.”

“So, how much longer do you think it’ll be before I can join the team on missions?”

“I’m not sure; we’ll take it one week at a time.”


“So where did SG-1 go today?” Janet asked as she fitted the boot on Sam’s leg.

“P1Z-739, otherwise known as Danris.”

“Danris? Weren’t they going to give you some award?”

“Yeah. It was for fixing their irrigation system. But truth be told, I’m kind of glad I couldn’t go.”

“Oh? Why?”

“Because it’s the same planet where I got dumped in a mud pit and covered in feathers.”

“Oh, I remember that. As I recall we had a really hard time getting that mud off of you. It had some glue-like properties.”

“Don’t you mean tar? I have no idea why the hell the natives thought it was an honor to be tarred and feathered. As the team leader, it should have been O’Neill who got the honor, not me. And it certainly didn’t help that the colonel and Daniel were laughing their asses off at me.”

“Well, if we’re lucky, it’ll be O’Neill who gets the mud and feathers treatment this ti—” Janet stopped, closed her eyes, and cocked her head slightly.

“Janet? You okay?” Sam asked, concerned.

“Oh, shit.”

“What is it?”

Opening her eyes, she looked at Sam. “I can’t be sure, but I just got a really strong wave of anger from Kris.”

“Kris went with SG-1 to Danris. You don’t think that she—”

“God, I hope not.”

“Can you tell what Kris is thinking or feeling right now?”

“No. She’s clamped down on her feelings, and as a rule, we don’t intrude on each other at work.”

Suddenly the klaxons sounded, and Walter announced an off-world activation. A moment later Janet was paged to the gate room. Janet and Sam both took off—albeit Sam with a limp. They parted ways short of the gate room doorway, with Sam proceeding to the control room while Janet continued into the gate room.

Janet watched O’Neill and Daniel come through the stargate. They obviously weren’t injured; in fact, they were laughing.

“You don’t appear to be injured, gentlemen,” Janet said. She didn’t hide the edge in her voice.

“Nope, no injuries, Doc,” O’Neill.

“Then why was I called to the gate room?”

Both men turned back to the stargate, but it was O’Neill who explained. “For Kris. We remembered how difficult it was for Carter to get clean after she was—”

O’Neill’s explanation was abruptly cut off by the appearance of Kris as she stepped through the stargate. Just as Sam was on SG-1’s previous trip to Danris, so Kris was tarred and feathered. Teal’c was only half a step behind her.

“After Sam was honored by the Danrisians,” Daniel completed O’Neill’s explanation, but couldn’t keep a straight face, or hold in his laughter any better than the colonel did.

For her part, Kris was calm. She walked up to General Hammond, who by now had joined the group in the gate room. “General, I’d appreciate it if you would consider this my official request for a few days of vacation,” she said in a very pleasant tone of voice.

“Granted. Just stop by my office on your way home.”

“Thank you.” She started for the door, talking to herself in a language Janet recognized. Judging by the expression on Daniel’s face, he didn’t understand what she was mumbling.

Hammond looked at Janet. “What did she say?”

“I don’t know for sure, sir. She was speaking Areth.” Janet didn’t tell the general that while she didn’t speak Areth, the mental images she was getting from Kris gave her a pretty good idea of what her wife was saying.

“Debrief in twenty minutes, gentlemen,” ordered the general before he left.

Janet turned to the still snickering men. “You two have miscalculated.”

“What?” asked Daniel.

“Well, last time you got Sam, my best friend, tarred and feathered.”

“Yep,” O’Neill quipped, as he rocked up and down on his toes a couple of times, obviously proud of himself.

“This time, you got my wife, whom I love and adore, tarred and feathered.” She paused for a beat. “And I am still the one who does your physicals. You both have your annual physicals due next week, gentlemen.” Satisfied with their sudden silence and the ‘Oh, fuck,’ expressions on their faces, Janet turned and left the gate room.

Even if she didn’t already know Kris had gone to the infirmary, the evidence of her passage would have led her to her wife—muddy footprints and feathers littered the hallways here and there. As soon as Janet entered the infirmary, Abby pointed to the door which led to the biohazard shower area. Janet took the time to change into a set of scrubs before heading to the to the biohazard shower.

She paused to appreciate the naked form of her wife. “I’m surprised you’ve gotten so much of the mud off already.”

“I remembered what Sam said about the mud, so before the Danrisians dropped me in the mud pit, I slathered Vaseline all over.”

“Smart move.”


“You know, the general asked me what you were saying as you left the gate room.”

Kris chuckled. “I didn’t want to have to apologize to him, so I vented in Areth.”

“I gathered. The mental images I got from you were rather enlightening. I didn’t know human bodies could do some of those things.” Janet grinned but resisted laughing.

“They can’t; that’s the point.” Kris snickered and this time, Janet couldn’t help but join her in laughter. When they finally stopped laughing, Kris continued. “You know, I’m not even mad about what the Danrisians did. They really are a great people, and their hearts were in the right place. Heaven knows I’ve been through a lot worse in my career. Getting tarred and feathered was nothing. What gets me is how Jack and Daniel acted like two schoolyard bullies about it, laughing their asses off like they personally pulled the biggest prank of all time. And it wouldn’t accomplish anything to tell them I volunteered.”

“What do you mean you volunteered?”

“Well, the Danrisians were going to do it to one of the original team members, but I persuaded them not to.”

“Why would you do that?” Janet was confused.

Kris stopped washing and looked directly at Janet. “For you.”

“You’ve lost me, Kris.”

“Well, I didn’t want them to do it to Teal’c for Teal’c’s sake. I couldn’t imagine what that sticky mud would do to him once it got inside his pouch. I know he doesn’t carry a symbiote anymore, but still.” Kris started shampooing her hair. “As for Daniel, you’ve told me more than once that he can get rather sullen and kind of clingy, and how he’s picked up some of Jack’s bad habits.”

“That’s true.”

“And that left Jack. Considering what Sam told me about how much trouble you and she had getting the mud off of her, I couldn’t imagine you wanting to have to deal with Jack in that condition.”

“Oh, Hell no!”

“So that meant it had to be me.” Kris rinsed her hair.

Janet handed Kris a couple of towels with which to dry off before handing her another towel to wrap around herself.

“What? No scrubs to put on?” asked Kris.

“Only after I’ve examined you and made sure there’s no more mud sticking to you. Come on.” Janet led Kris to Bay Two. “Have a seat, and I’ll be right with you, Kris.”



“Yes, Abby?”

“The rest of SG-1 have had their post-mission physicals with Dr. Peterson. Colonel O’Neill and Dr. Jackson were in a particular hurry. They seemed not to be able to get out here fast enough.”

“I’m not surprised. Thank you.”